Motherhood Tales: I'm a bad mom

by - 2:03 AM

I wrote this piece on my personal Facebook account exactly a year ago.

At times, it still rings true.

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Time check: 12:05am, December 4, 2019

This is us, now. We braved a storm today and I struggled with going online for work because my gadgets' batteries were dying. But I want to put this out there. I've been told many things. You know, sometimes I look like a good mom. Other times, I heard they think I'm lazy and not doing enough as a parent.

So I made this piece and entitled it: I'm a bad mom.

I wish my son would sleep anytime before midnight. Heck! I wish even I could sleep before midnight. I want that, too! But he had gotten so used to seeing me work at these hours that he believes he's working with me when he sets up his tablet beside me. I wish I can be that "no gadget, zero screentime mom" but because I work online I couldn't be that much of an example to him. I wish I can cook 3 meals a day, because I'm good at cooking! If you didn't know, I used to compete in culinary competitions before so it's not that I'm slacking off. But because I have work to do, I can only serve cereals or sandwich for breakfast, order lunch and cook dinner. So, they said, I'm a bad mom. In this picture is one of my many work areas: the laptop on a laptop table on a bed. Sometimes, it's the dining table.

I've been working like this since 2015. I never had my own workstation, let alone a nice ergo chair. I've had back and wrist pain issues in the past 4 years. (Fast forward to 2020, I still find myself working on the dining table, but I do have two proper workstations at home now.)

I have lived in 4 houses and it's always messy. I am not very good with chores. But I do sweep, dust from time to time, wash the laundry... I fold clothes though it usually takes 7-10 business days to finish that. I also fix stuff. (We're now in our 5th and final home. Finally!)

But I work for clients from all over the world and they all seem to love the work that I do, anyway. I mean, digital marketing, content writing... Give me that! I'm good with those.

I lose sleep all the time and I wish I have more than 24 hours to be everything that I need to be. I'd love to finish work and do chores if I can. But because I can't, I heard I'm a bad mom. On another perspective though, despite my lack of sleep, I drive my son to and from school 5 days a week. I wash him, feed him, play with him with the little time that I have... I read him stories. I pray with him. (In SY 2020-2021, I am now the teacher for many subjects because we're homeschooling!)

But despite not being able to give Marie Kondo a run for her money, I help my husband build an empire. We had nothing to our name a few years back! I used to pawn my engagement ring! But with God's grace, we rose above our trials. Our son goes to a good school. We built our home. We drive our car. We pay for our bills and investments. (We have a small business now and have since moved into our own house.)
And I wish people can see past me not being the best housewife material.

I'm not that.

I'm that mom sitting in front of a laptop at midnight. I wake up at 6am on weekdays wishing I can sleep until 8am because I just slept at 3am. (Now, I sleep at 7am or later and wake up at around lunch or a little after lunch. On busy days, I get 2 hours still. I'm just recovering from anxiety and depression, so sleep is a bit aloof.)

But hey!

Just now, my son made his voice louder when I didn't respond the first time:

"Nanay, you're my best friend!"

I may not be able to do everything that needs to be done... I may not be able to prepare hot meals every meal... I may not be able to keep this household gadget-free... I may not be able to make him sleep early... I may not be a perfect parent... But I try to do everything in ways that I can... And you know what? At the end of this long tedious day, finds me his "BEST".

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